Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Human or Gremlin? You decide!!

So, we are in India.  For the first time in LOTS of years I'm not working, I have a little infant to look after day and night, alcohol and desert have been all but nonexistent AND I am without television (which is likely playing in to my blogaholism!).  We do have the BBC (which is very good for news and I am happy for that because I have not embraced the Indian Financial Times as I should and Dellip has stopped bringing it to us) - but that's not the kind of mind numbing entertainment that I'm after!!

You see, I love myself some bad tv shows and at home I can safely tape them on the dvr and indulge before Hamish gets home or after he goes to bed.  Only if backed into a corner do I watch them just right there in front of him because well, he's pretty annoying to watch bad tv with - or as he calls it -- "crap tv".  Even though he claims not be interested and scoffs and mutters, he follows whatever I have on just closely enough to make vexing comments during all the good parts.  For example (and I would not even label this as "crap tv") he absolutely ruined the finale of Lost by making fun of all the sappy parts. Me and my sister Margi would be getting in to it - the tears starting to roll - when, boom -- Hamish would burst in with some crazy crack about how unrealistic it is.  I mean only someone with a black heart would find amusing the scene where Sun gets stuck on the sub as it's filling with water and after Jin tries with all his might to pull her to safety, he chooses to die on that darn sub with her - holding her hand as they drown with the sad Lost music playing at full volume in the background (now that is LOVE dude!).  It really makes you want to send Hamish out on an errand or something when he does stuff like that.

Anyway, here in Delhi, the only two channels I found with some promise are Animal Planet and HBO India.  Animal Planet is great, but the programming here is crazy repetitive and I've now seen the one where the leopard and the lion are great friends as young animals but, as they mature and have families of their own, their friendship can't survive the differences in their species.  Now that's a shocker!  And by the third time, it certainly wasn't.  I printed out the HBO India schedule (one of the admin tasks Hamish gave me to do) and seriously, not one of the movies is worth watching in the evening time slot when I want to watch.  HBO India's target audience must be BIG into war/fighter/sci fi/boy/horror movies - but me?  Not so much.  Give me The Bachelor any day of the week, but I'm really not interested in Final Destination 3.

Now all that being said, the other day Hamish turned on the HBO (this was pre-schedule) and when I heard the noises coming from the bedroom, I had to go running.  He was in there, mouth on the floor pointing at the screen.  The movie was Gremlins and - strangely - it has really helped to explain a lot about our daughter Neve.

You see, lately I have been having my doubts about whether Neve is really human.  I mean physically speaking she's got all the little human parts to grow into a larger real human - but something is not quite right.  First, she makes ALOT of distinctly NOT human like noises. There are times when she is quiet and "sleeps like a baby" but there are more examples where she snorts, makes high pitched squirrel like noises, chortles, makes tiny "uhs", squeals and does some noise that requires the combo of her nose and mouth that I can't really describe.  At least until Hamish turned on the HBO.  She sounds EXACTLY like the main character Gizmo from Gremlins!!!

Now this in and of itself is not going to be surprising for the EP audience as it seems the Gremlin noise is commonly affiliated with babies.  In fact, I think we can be pretty certain that Gizmo's language was actually modeled on that of a baby (not that babies are actually Gremlins).  But it was more than the similarity in language that caught my attention.  The whole plot had an eery familiarity and that got me wondering.

The plot goes something like this.  Dad buys teenage son a strange furry creature from an antique store in Chinatown for his birthday.  Dad is warned and Dad warns son - "don't expose it to bright light, don't get it wet and, whatever you do, DON'T FEED IT AFTER MIDNIGHT!!".  Of course all three occur and thus the movie revolves around the consequences.  When you expose them to bright light, they die (remember how Neve does not like bright light at all? See?).  When you get them wet, they reproduce (no reproduction but remember how Neve hates the bath? And when the good Gremlin does the reproducing thing, he gets really put out and seems sick -- just like Neve after the bath.  A bit of a stretch, but see?).  And, she has certainly been doing her fair share of eating after midnight!

All of the prior evidence (ie noises, reaction to light and water) is really nothing compared to what happens when you feed a Gremlin after midnight and what happens to Neve after that midnight feeding.  Like Neve, they at first go into a cocoon (or, in her case, a sound sleep in a swaddle).  Then, after some time period (in Neve's case about an hour) they turn into menacing reptilian like creatures with sharp claws and they go about town terrorizing everyone.  Neve is losing her baby skin and thus looks a little reptilian right now.  She has those hands always at the ready in a boxing position near her face and almost daily grows lengthy claws out of those little precious fingers.  And finally, the terrorizing.  Neve can't walk so we are really the only people she can terrorize - which after midnight has become her forte!

Neve, at 11 days old, is starting to exert some serious attitude.  If she's not fed exactly when she wants to be, she goes into a crazed starvation mode.  And, after midnight when we are sleeping and don't anticipate her hunger - she wakes us in an amped up state of irritation.  She angrily tries to get everything within reach in her mouth - hands, clothes, burp cloth, me - all while turning shades of dark red and purple and periodically letting out high pitched "wahs" between a constant frantic chatter.  By the time you get the bottle prepared, she can be over the edge and will fight you to get everything else out of her mouth so that you can get the bottle in her mouth.  You remove one hand and the burp cloth goes in, you get that out and she does a neck thrust maneuver to suction onto your arm or neck.  Sometimes it takes two of us to restrain her enough to pop the bottle in her tiny mouth.  It's classic bad Gremlin behavior if I've ever seen it (which I just did on HBO India)!

I'll keep you posted on how the Gremlin thing turns out.  We had a big strategy session this morning on  how to mount a counter attack but these creatures are sick smart and I already realize we are really no match for Neve.  By the way, Hamish did do the 3am feed last night and it was total bliss for me!! Not only did I get to sleep almost solidly from 1:30am to almost 6:00am, she decided to do her BIG poopy diaper on his watch!! She may regularly pee on me, but I'll take that over the alternative any day!!

A side note.  I have been sitting in the living room blogging this morning after breakfast.  Dellip has been in a big cleaning mode since Holi and he's right now mopping the floor around me.  I had to put down the computer and watch.  Not because I've never seen mopping or that I'm taking pleasure in having someone mopping for me - geez guys!  It was because of his mop.  It looks more like a wide broom (so a long handle that goes to the floor and meets a perpendicular piece of wood)  - and he's using the mop apparatus to move around a thick towel thing wet with cleaning fluids.  I think our modern mops must have derived from this simple device, but in my opinion, it was not an improvement.  Instead of stringing mop with attached grey tentacles or a sponge like flat surface that falls apart after a few uses, with this mop, the cloth part isn't attached and can be properly washed and easily replaced. Seems like a much better way to mop to me.  We are definitely tossing the mop when we get back to NYC!!

All our best!! And Namaste!!

G, H & N

Draining a bottle at midnight.  She's got one eye open planning for the night assault!

This is how it all begins!! Run for the bottle - NOW!

Such a junkie!


  1. Loved the wasted look following that fix she just had! Sounds like she has you both totally under her control already...lol.
    Excellent blogging so I am saying it is good that the tv is crap.... makes great reading for us waiting our turn.....getting scarier by the moment!!!
    Big cuddle to Neve and take care
    Paula and Justin

  2. As long as she doesn’t start spitting out fury siblings I think she will be ok LOL